Music to move the emotions…

I would like to carry on with the subject of music, as after my last blog, words keep popping into my head, and I thought it might be useful to share what is circulating through my thoughts!

Music is powerful, emotions are powerful. 

Music moves us, as do emotions. They come and they go, they peak, get intense and subside, just like a song. Music can literally help those emotions peak and subside, it can help us move through our emotions, when you are suffering thats exactly what you need. You need the emotions to move. It is not ideal to hangout in any one emotion for too long. There is so much in this blog that I want to write more about in more depth and moving emotions is one of them, for another time.

I have written before, and I know I will write time and time again about what our friends and family might need when they are in the midst of a traumatic time. 

It will be different everyday, they might need space by themselves…give them that please, ask them what they need and honour it. When we see people suffering our ego often takes over and we want to fix it make it better. They might need you to not be there. I know in the early days, I did not need to see anyone, I was still processing it and seeing people made it real. I could see what people were thinking, their concern and worry and to be frank I just didn’t need it at the time. Initially, really it was all about that person, I know I was having to work out how to deal with having cancer and what I was going to do about it.

 On the other hand they might need you there just to sit with them, to hold them, in silence. Words can be so shallow when you are diagnosed, what really can you say to make it better – nothing. It takes time, treatment and internal processing. ASK THEM.

They might want you to laugh with them, or go for a run, or scream, dance, or say to them its shit…not try and make it better, just something like I am so gutted for you, I’m with you, its shit, I’m here.

Friends and laughter – The best medicine

Here are some tips of what not to say. If you said one of these things to me, its all good, I knew at the time there was nothing you could say that would help, and its so awkward too isn’t it. What we really want to say is I so hope this treatment works, that you don’t die, I love you, I want you in my life! Anyway here are some things that maybe aren’t the most helpful things to say….

  • We will all die of something at some point
  • None of us will know what will happen to any of us
  • (For my op) Wow, so its like having a free tummy tuck and boob job – yes this was said a lot and I feel it was my decision to make it a joke or not which I did sometimes, not always appropriate.
  • You are so strong, you can get through this. (Sounds great, but often I was so tired of being strong, I was the strong one, and I needed a rest, being strong didn’t give me the space to process and deal with it all properly – another blog one day to look at this in depth)
  • So you just get it all cut out and then you can get on with life (breast cancer isn’t like that you can never be given the all clear, it takes a while to process and just get on with it)

There were more, and I know everything was said with love and maybe just not so much understanding and I never felt anything but love towards everyone, but it just wasn’t always helpful to me, and I would love us all to learn from it. 

So,  back to songs, I digressed a bit there, sometimes when you are by yourself, you might need a cry, you might need to fight (last blog Titanium). Music can do that for you. Also sometimes Music might trigger you. I can remember with the first diagnosis, I just used to take myself away and play The Script – I’m falling to pieces laughing and crying at the same time, it helped the tears left my body. It was a release.

A week before my last operation a biggie, double mastectomy with immediate reconstruction (we still thought at the time that I had cancer and didn’t know the outcome whether it was a local recurrence or terminal), I was actually in a weirdly good space. I had decided to use my time to live. I had surrendered the idea of living, after 5 years I gave up control and decided to coast and flow with whatever life had in store for me (again another blog!)

I was away in France with a big group of friends and family for a celebration. I had the best time, we laughed so much, explored, danced, drank, just enjoying this special time out of normal life together. People kept asking my husband how I could be okay how I could be carrying on with joy so close to the operation, not knowing what was going to happen. 

Every time my mind starts to dip into what if, I just simply repeated to myself “Its not here yet, I am alive now”. Over and over again “I will deal with the operation on the day, until then, I choose to really live”. Time is so precious, time with friends and family when you have it, when you are mobile and free should be full of life. I had already dealt with 5 years of uncertainty after my first diagnosis and I can tell you now, its exhausting, it robs you of life, and I chose to live deeply and fully. In the next piece I will show you what I got up to in that time from diagnosis to op, facebook is great for that! 

I don’t like to think of cancer as a battle I won, my cells were ill, it isn’t this big fight, that gives cancer way too much power. It is a disease. There are so many life threatening diseases out there, yet Cancer seems to have that special status, there are things just as scary and dangerous out there, heart disease, diabetes….

But…if cancer stops me living then it has won in my mind, so I trained my mind to live, over and over again. I train my mind now…I have things to do in this world, I am healthy, I am whole and on and on. The second my mind drifts to fear or what if, I instantly recognise this and change it back to the above.

The song that broke me on that holiday was Chasing Cars Snow Patrol, the intro keyboard just makes me feel emotional anyway. Music has that beautiful ability to move you, to evoke emotion. I can remember it coming on at the party in France, it was as if time stood still, like a movie, everyone was dancing and laughing and the music was so beautiful and I gasped, all the air had been sucked straight back into my lungs and it was stuck there. It hit me, the fact that I would be out of life for 2 months, that I might not be here and dead for the next celebration, that it was tough and I can tell you, I felt so sorry for myself right then! I took myself to a corner and sobbed, my rock (husband found me) and my father in law, they just sat there with me, that was enough just there, again, what can you say? And again tears are falling as I type and I have a lump in my throat.

Just read the words of the song they are beautiful, and they were exactly how I felt. I can remember sometimes just wanting to blink my eyes and it all be a horrendous dream, just wanting to run away and pretend it wasn’t real and not have to deal with it. 

Remember people with cancer or any other trauma are only strong because they have no choice. They don’t want to have to be strong.

I will leave you with the lyrics, and here is the link to the song. Enjoy.

I really feel like I need to schedule this blog now, so this is next weeks! I know it will help someone suffering or someone who is having to watch someone suffering.

Sending you all so much love 

K  xxx

Snow Patrol – Chasing Cars

We’ll do it all

Everything

On our own

We don’t need

Anything

Or anyone

If I lay here

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don’t quite know

How to say

How I feel

Those three words

Are said too much

They’re not enough

If I lay here

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we’re told

Before we get too old

Show me a garden that’s bursting into life

Let’s waste time

Chasing cars

Around our heads

I need your grace

To remind me

To find my own

If I lay here

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we’re told

Before we get too old

Show me a garden that’s bursting into life

All that I am

All that I ever was

Is here in your perfect eyes, they’re all I can see

I don’t know where

Confused about how as well

Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Thanks to all of you guys who were just with me through that time and still are, I love you all to bits and you just held me so beautifully.

XXXXXXXXX

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