This Woman’s Work…

Music seems to have hijacked my blog at the moment but I will roll with it. As soon as I wrote the last blog, this song and what was going off in my life at the time popped straight into my head, so here it is. I write, teach and live very intuitively, from the gut. When I listened to this song after writing that blog, it all came flooding back.

This song represents me in what I term as the bargaining mode of having cancer, when my future looked bleak. Asking the beings/powers above to give me more time.…

-Just let me see my kids get to ten so they can remember me.

-I want to be able to teach them my values, compassion and be there.

-I’m sure I have more to do in this world….

I know now that this was ego, all ego. A sense of self importance.

This drifted away after the second diagnosis, I was severely humbled. I realised and accepted that we all die, it actually happens!!! Some sooner than others and it hurts and it might feel unfair. We are all so little and small in this expansive universe. I also realised that …yes…life will go on without me, the world will keep turning. And do you know what, I have never told anyone this, I felt relief. My energy changed when I got to this moment and I have been able to flow around life’s obstacles and teachings with more ease.

I realised it was a moment of pure surrender, to not spend my time bargaining, worrying, grasping, but instead to flow and live. It was heartbreaking, for a moment that acceptance,  but not as heartbreaking as the desperation of clinging onto life. For me, that was not a nice energy, it felt heavy. The ancient yoga texts talk about this, I experienced it. The texts refer to us not getting too attached to life. 

I don’t stay in this state all of the time! I drift in and out. I want to make my life a pleasure, joyful, to live deeply and freely and to be free from the suffering of the thoughts that used to dominate my head. I choose to live rather than exist. It has taken years of mindset training, holistic practises and self awareness to get to this state. That is one of the aims of yoga to still the mind. (I am not enlightened! I just have more head space and control over my mind my thoughts and emotions now, it is liberating.) 

I remember at this time, I went to a workshop with my very loved teacher Andrea Kwiatkowski. At the time it looked like I had mets in my liver (I didn’t,  but I was in the midst of waiting, the scan said I did). I can remember my teacher speaking about life and arrows,  you might get hit with an arrow, but you have control over how you deal with it. This triggered me massively, how dare she say that to me, Im having arrows shot into me left right and centre! Doesn’t she know what I am going through, and on and on, the ego went. But she was right, the teachings are right. A true teacher will trigger you, help you see important lessons, she always says and I repeat to my students…a teacher is not to be liked, they are to teach, to help you grow, get more flexible and stronger in body and mind. Grasping to life is like twisting the arrow around and trying to pull it out instead of letting it pass through you. When I talk about surrendering I do not mean giving up, I am talking energetically. It is a more tearful mind state.

The song that came into my mind, that I listened to on repeat with tears running down my face for a day, so cleansing, is “This Woman’s Work “by Kate Bush. There is something so poignant in this song 

“Give me these moments back

Give them back to me

Give me that little kiss

Give me your hand

I should be crying, but I just can’t let it show

I should…”

I was singing and crying this for all the lost moments with my children when I was having operations or having to hide the tears, the times that I might not have been as playful or present with them as I was having to face hard decisions, or processing pretty intense emotions. The times that I was quicker to get angry as I was put into menopause and lost myself a little (I will talk about this in more detail one day). My daughter was 4 and my son 6 months when I was diagnosed. Way too young for them and me, my husband, for our whole family. These pictures were taken just after my first operation.

The Zoladez injections that I had for three years put me into a medically induced menopause. I came out of it , but it was intense, hot sweats, irritability and I really was not fully me. You don’t always see it until you start to come out the other side and you don’t realise how much hormones affect everything in your body, weight, joints, poohs, emotions! – again for another day!

But, on the other side, when I was well and functioning it led me to live more, we had more holidays, My husband is self employed so could only have so many days off work, so whenever I could I took the kids away to have fun, school holidays are precious , we only have a limited number of them and we always found our way to the sea.  We have so many photos and memories. 

It is such a powerful song, and I know it will mean so much and have so many different meanings to different people. Close your eyes, really listen and let me know how it effects you xxx

This Woman’s Work – https://youtu.be/iEHqPCA_lzQ

Pray God you can cope

I stand outside this woman’s work

This woman’s world

Ooh, it’s hard on the man

Now his part is over

Now starts the craft of the father

I know you’ve got a little life in you yet

I know you’ve got a lot of strength left

I know you’ve got a little life in you yet

I know you’ve got a lot of strength left

I should be crying, but I just can’t let it show

I should be hoping, but I can’t stop thinking

Of all the things I should’ve said

That I never said

All the things we should’ve done

Though we never did

All the things I should’ve given

But I didn’t

Oh, darling, make it go

Make it go away

Give me these moments back

Give them back to me

Give me that little kiss

Give me your hand

I should be crying, but I just can’t let it show

I should…

Sending you all so much love as ever xxx

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